


Of Rum and Revival.

by CancerianWastelandCat



Series: Of Hearts And Whiskey [3]
Category: SCREW (Band), the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Bittersweet, Confessions, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Reunion, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CancerianWastelandCat/pseuds/CancerianWastelandCat
Summary: Five years have passed. Things have changed, but also not so much.





	Of Rum and Revival.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back! Uh, apparently it took me almost one and a half year to update this.... I'm really sorry, I was a little shocked when I realized this myself... But either way we're entering the final spurt of this series! This is part 3/4 and it's 20 pages long (in Google Docs) so be ready lol! Hope you enjoy :)

**2021**

"Did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"GazettE … They disbanded."

**2022**

"Hey, I... talked to Yuu the other day."

"Oh God, I don't want to hear it. Please."

"But Kaz, they ... they broke up."

 

He really wished he didn't know. He wished he hadn't even listened, or stopped Byou from talking or walked out the _second_ the topic had switched. But he'd done none of those things and now his hard-earned success in _forgetting_ was crumbling to pieces right in front of his eyes.

Taking a deep drag off his cigarette, Kazuki blew the smoke against the late February sky and let his eyes wander. From where he was sitting on the balcony of his apartment, he could see all the way to the roof of Yuu's building and it had him wondering whether he still lived there or not. He smiled bitterly. How ironic it would be, for them to live this close after their ways had parted for good that night five years ago.

He didn’t like remembering what had happened, especially because with him not picking up the phone and Yuu giving up way too quickly than was typical for him… they hadn’t spoken a single word ever since.

Kazuki barely remembered the sound of his voice and the sudden realization hurt as if the ashes falling off his cigarette burned holes straight into his heart.

He huffed. Stubbing his tabaco out into the ashtray a bit too angrily, he mumbled to himself that he wasn’t supposed to be thinking about any of this.  
Thinking back though, to how he had spent these past five years, it was a difficult thing to deny after all. The wall Kazuki had built around this little tiny piece of his heart that still - and had always - belonged to Yuu was starting to tremble in its foundation and this new information he had now was making it a terribly easy task to tear it down.

Was it a foolish thing to do or could he allow himself to hope?

**March 10th, 2022**

**  
** It _was_ foolish. It was a _really_ stupid idea but clearly, considering the place he stood in front of right now, he had decided to ignore the gnawing feeling in his gut. That, and the small leap his heart had done as he’d passed the sleek black Jaguar two streets away. At least that hadn’t changed. 

Kazuki bit his lip. He knew Yuu was going to be there. Especially at this place and especially today. It could’ve been any other day really, he could’ve well spent another week wishing the spark of hope would die out but upon waking up this morning… He had just felt it in his heart that it had to be, although he hadn’t been so sure what to think of that feeling at first.  
When it came to Yuu, Kazuki couldn’t trust himself; too grave was the impact Yuu had had on his life. Trying to compensate for him hadn’t worked either, oh he’d tried. Five years was a long time and every guy he’d been with had aggressively fucked a little piece of Yuu away - but never wholly.

Kazuki decided to take it as a sign. If Yuu was _still_ on his mind and in his heart, even after an intermezzo as short as theirs and five years later at that, it meant something, right? It had to.

Inhaling deeply, he set a hand to the wooden door frame and slid it open, a wave of smoke, bad alternative music and the smell of beer greeting him. He’d never understood what Yuu liked about this place but there was no time to be judgemental now. Letting his eyes fly across the room, he scanned every pair of shoulder blades he could find until it was a particularly dark patch of black hair that his breath got caught on.

There was no way anyone would have recognized him for who he used to be. His hair was slightly disheveled, the blue he’d worn in it for the band’s last look vanished and his neck as well as his hands were void of any jewelry. From where he was standing, Kazuki couldn’t see his eyes, only that his gaze seemed focused on the glass of dark, amber liquid he was twisting between his fingers atop the table. It was one of the things Kazuki felt the most scared of. Yuu’s eyes had always been the most thrilling part of him but now… It looked like he had erased Aoi off his being entirely.

After one last gulp, which helped in no way to calm his heartbeat, Kazuki finally took the few steps up to the last table in the furthest corner. With every meter that he bridged, his grip tightened a little bit around the handbag he’d brought along. Thousands of thoughts were shooting through his mind, that maybe this was wrong, _very_ wrong, that maybe he should just let the matter rest, get over it.

But he couldn’t. Kazuki couldn’t bring himself to turn his back on Yuu, not now that the endless twisting and turning of the glass had abruptly come to a halt. Yuu’s eyes were resting upon the ring that decorated Kazuki’s ring finger and he could’ve sworn he could see how Yuu was fighting with himself inwardly.  
He knew it was him. He knew he’d come to seek him out, that he’d come because there was no way Yuu should be alone today, that he was here because fate had granted them a second chance. He knew that Kazuki had held his promise, that he hadn’t taken this _god damn ring_ off, not for a day, and that he had never really let go.

And it took him an unbearably long time until he finally lifted his head and allowed their eyes to meet for the first time after five years.

Kazuki recoiled. A frown carved into his forehead.

Yuu’s glance was a shade of empty Kazuki had never thought possible; piercing black, yet lacking the intensity that had once had the power to silence arenas. No doubt, he had been prepared to find Yuu badly affected by the disbandment and the break-up, but this was beyond all limits and it was tearing Kazuki’s heart apart. He couldn’t read anything in those eyes. Was Yuu shocked to see him? Surprised? Angry? Relieved? There was nothing.

Willing his eyebrows to uncrease, Kazuki swallowed and slowly lifted his free hand for a weak wave while he fought to hold his tears back. His body felt like it was about to overflow just by looking at Yuu.  

“Hey,” he breathed out and even managed a small smile, after a second or two. The only response he got at first was blinking. What was Yuu thinking?

Kazuki swallowed once more, not noticing that he was holding his breath. Not until, completely out of the blue, Yuu shot up from the table and came walking around it. He shoved his hand into his jeans pocket and retrieved a few coins that he slammed down upon the wood, before his hand was already around Kazuki’s wrist, dragging him outside.

What the hell had gotten into him?

More stumbling than walking, Kazuki followed as they emerged onto the streets of Tokyo. Yuu was pulling him in the opposite direction of his car and Kazuki wanted to say something, anything, but his lips were glued together. Yuu wasn’t granting him another look at his face so there was no way Kazuki could figure out what was going on inside him. His best guess was that Yuu was either fleeing from or running towards something, he just didn’t know what it was.

Kazuki didn't dare to speak up for most of the ten minutes that they went straight ahead (or at least it felt like ten minutes). Yuu didn't slow down nor did he look back. Kazuki felt his heart sink further. He wished for nothing more but the ability to look inside Yuu's head, to see what was going on, but the more time passed the more Kazuki felt like Yuu had no idea where he was even going himself.

Then everything went quick.

Kazuki's eyes caught the car's blinding headlights just a bare second before Yuu could set foot onto the crossroad and his senses switched into autopilot.

_"Yuu, watch out!"_

Twisting his wrist around, Kazuki gripped Yuu's hand instead, yanking with all the force he could muster until they were both tripping backwards, the car shooting past them; far beyond the speed limit, though in perfect sync with the adrenaline that sizzled in Kazuki's veins. Yuu stumbled, they bumped chest against chest and a surprised gasp left both of them, but instead of pulling back, which admittedly was Kazuki's first instinct, Yuu did the exact opposite.

A short tug at Kazuki's hand was all it took and he was in Yuu's arms, captured in a suffocating embrace. Kazuki's eyes widened in shock. All air was pressed out of his lungs, his own arms caught awkwardly between his body and Yuu's and- Was Yuu shaking? It couldn't be. Kazuki didn't want to believe it was happening, yet here he was, feeling Yuu's stuttered exhales against his neck as real as the air he was sucking in himself.

His eyes began to burn. Not because he was pretty sure his spine was going to break anytime soon, oh no, that was fine; it was Yuu's mere presence, the sudden warmth radiating from him and on top of it all, it was the dangerously rapid heartbeat he could feel beneath his palms that shoved the tears into Kazuki's eyes.

“Y-Yuu, I can’t- ”

“Where have you been?”

Yuu inhaled frantically right next to his ear and pressed his nose right against Kazuki's temple, his voice breathy with the tears that trickled down his cheeks. And the sound of it was _so_ familiar.

“Where have you been, Kazuki?”

Kazuki gulped as hard as he could, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that he was really starting to have trouble breathing, he would have at least answered right away. But like this, with Yuu’s arms still tightly around him, there was no way he was going to get more out than necessary.

“Y-Yuu,” he groaned again, “I-I can’t breathe.”

Yuu froze for a second, as though he had to process what those words even meant, before he withdrew hurriedly, giving Kazuki with the space to tilt his head back and gasp for a deep breath. From the corner of his eye he could see Yuu making a small step back and he was almost too afraid to look at him now. But just almost, because when he did, it only confirmed that there was no reason to be afraid. Warmness had returned into Yuu’s eyes like a switch that had been flicked, the light was back on and it was blinding, overshadowing every single of the neon signs in his surroundings that reflected in the wet patches on his cheeks like a thousand tiny rainbows. He was crying and he was beautiful.

Staring into Yuu’s eyes, Kazuki found himself unable to speak again. His throat turned dry as though his vocal chords were striking roots inside it and it didn’t seem like Yuu was going to say anything anytime soon either. What was there to say anyway?

_I hate you for breaking my heart._

_I wanted to forget you._

_I couldn’t, Yuu._

_I still love you._

None of it was good enough. Nor did it feel important. Not yet. Yuu’s eyes were dancing back and forth between his, across his face, past his lips and back to his eyes, drinking him in as if Kazuki’s every detail wasn’t already engraved into his chest and had never even left it.

It was one drop of water that pulled him back into reality. Kazuki blinked the veil away and reclined his head, more of them meeting his forehead and nose as he gazed into the sky. Oh great. Rain was just what he needed right now.

“Looks like we should get back to the car.”

Kazuki looked down just in time to see Yuu wiping at his tears before an insecure smile curled his full lips, and Kazuki nodded, taking a step back. They began walking, in silence, side by side this time around, but they didn’t get very far until the downpour began. The rain came hailing upon their shoulders, leaving their hair soaked by the time they reached a shelter; a small niche embedded into a storefront.

Small stems and petals cracked beneath their feet. Kazuki gazed around, taking in the remains of the flowers that the conbini next door probably sold during the day. The faint scent of roses was still lingering in the air, mingling with the relieving freshness of rain.

When his eyes rose again and fell upon Yuu's face, it was easier to breathe. Ripples of water were running down his nose and over his cupid’s bow, glueing strands of hair to his temples. There was a lightness in his expression that seemed like a mirror to what Kazuki felt around his heart.

“I… Um,” he began, trying to find his voice and the right words. Yuu was smiling knowingly.

“You heard,” he said matter-of-factly and that was just about as much explanation as they both needed. Kazuki swallowed. He didn't have to tell Yuu what it meant that he had come for him after getting this particular piece of information. Yuu knew.

So Kazuki nodded, tightening his grip around his clutch bag.

“I couldn't- I couldn't stand the thought of you- ”

Another flood of tears forced a stop to his words. Kazuki closed his eyes and turned away. He was finally seeing Yuu again after five years and still couldn't keep himself together?

“So you came out of pity for me.”

Yuu’s eyebrows were creased together, but his frown vanished as quick as it had come, dissipating into a bitter smile directed at nothing but the pavement in front of him. 

“I guess at least that means you haven’t given up on me entirely.”

“I never did.”

It was clear as day, the way the words had left Kazuki’s lips so quickly. When Yuu glanced up, Kazuki willed his lungs to accept the air he tried taking in. By the wall opposite him stood a large plastic box and without thinking of whether or not it would carry him, he walked over and sat down. Loosening his fingers from around his bag, Kazuki exhaled.

“I tried,” he admitted softly, “I really did. I tried to convince myself it was easier to just be happy for you and him, tried to distract myself but…,” another deep breath, “I couldn't. For some reason… I just couldn't get you out of my head.”

 _For some reason?_ Kazuki scoffed at his own pretentiousness, “I think you know why, though.”

A short ruffle of clothes and the brief sound of shoes on concrete ground later, Yuu was crouching in front of him, searching for his gaze. 

Kazuki’s eyes, however, were only focused on the wall of rain still spilling from the sky. The sound and the neon lights flashing through it draped them into such an unreal atmosphere, he almost couldn’t believe this wasn’t a dream. The eventual touch to his chin certainly felt like one.

“Kazuki,” Yuu called for him softly as he turned his face towards him. His fingertips were as light as a feather, as if he was afraid Kazuki would push him away, and Kazuki couldn’t help but feel guilt wrench at the edges of his heart. Closing his eyes, he let a stuttered breath leave him.

“I know what I did was stupid, Yuu,” he muttered, “I know I was a fool. If I hadn’t forced you to pretend like you could love me just to make myself feel better then maybe… maybe you and Uruha would’ve worked out. Maybe you could’ve been happy.”

Yuu’s expression morphed into a mixture of emotions Kazuki couldn’t read. Confusion perhaps, or determination.

“No,” he shook his head, allowing his hand to settle atop Kazuki’s, “No, Kouyou and I were doomed to fail from the start and we both knew. We just had no one else to turn to. Or well…”

Yuu sighed heavily and when his hand left Kazuki’s only to move up, cupping his cheek, Kazuki thought his heart was going to burst, “ _I_ did. I did, I just didn’t see it. You tried so hard, all these years, and all I did was lead you on and I’m so, so sorry, Kazuki. I should have been honest with you right from the beginning.”

Kazuki stared down at him. His eyes were watering all over again but Yuu wasn’t backing away. He held Kazuki’s face in his palm, cautiously like a treasure, and when his full lips curled into a fond smile, Kazuki decided it was okay to give in now. The fear of being rejected _yet again_ was still looming high above his head but right now, he could do nothing but admit to his defeat. His heart felt _so_ heavy again and the wall around it staggered hazardously.

With a quiet sigh, Kazuki nestled his cheek into Yuu’s palm. His eyelids fluttered close, only for the tear escaping them to be caught by a calloused thumb. Yuu’s touch dried his cheek but it didn’t prevent his throat from convulsing.

“I missed you,” Kazuki whispered and opened his eyes again, knowing fully well his voice was going to break in just a moment, “s-so much.”

When Yuu’s hand withdrew from his cheek, Kazuki wanted to protest but he didn’t find the strength in him, nor turned it out necessary. Their fingers intertwined, Yuu’s eyes never leaving him, even as his lips parted to speak words Kazuki didn’t hear anymore. The first sob came wretched, then the second one, until he was bubbling over, crying relentlessly as he slid down to the ground; straight into Yuu’s waiting arms.

Kazuki’s body shook when Yuu caught him. No amount of _Ssh it’s alright_ and _I’m here now_ was enough to deafen out the sheer surge of anguish washing over him. The warmth he’d buried his face into was taking away his space to breathe but that didn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around it too, locking them tightly around Yuu’s neck. He needed to make sure this was real, this was happening. He needed to _feel_ that he was back where he had longed to be the past five years, and if it took seven hours of staying like this, he would gladly not move.

At some point, Yuu’s whispers dissipated, blending in with the white noise of the rain. His arms remained where they were hugging Kazuki’s waist firmly and his lips scattered gentle kisses atop his hair. There was no way Kazuki was going to let him go anytime soon. Their embrace reminded him too much of the night that had started _all of this,_ the moment he had confessed, and Yuu smelled too nicely of dark chocolate and smoke and coming home.

Unfortunately though, a spanking breeze whisked away the scent and with it the warmth cocooning their bodies. Kazuki’s soft cries came to an abrupt halt as the wind tugged at his clothes, making him shiver. Yuu withdrew at that, looking down at Kazuki’s reddened face with a concerned tilt to his eyebrows.

“You’re freezing,” he said, as if he wasn’t dressed just as lightly as Kazuki, and was up on his feet just a second later. Kazuki just watched in awe. Yuu shrugged out of his leather jacket, draping it around Kazuki’s shoulders before extending his hand.

“Come on, I’m taking you home.”

Kazuki blinked up at him, back and forth between his face and his opened palm. Home? Yuu wasn’t kidding, that was for sure, the look in his eyes was too sincere. Then, the skin around them creased with a chuckle.

“Home as in _your place_ , Kazuki. I’m not _that_ indecent, you know.”

Kazuki was still blinking but it was enough now; enough to catapult him out of whatever daze he’d just been in and make him jump up.

“I-I know!” he said and he was very well aware that his hand reached Yuu’s _way_ too quickly, but the blush on his cheeks was a traitor he gladly accepted if it made Yuu smile the way it did just now.

After a glance out into the rain, Yuu looked over his shoulder and Kazuki nodded wordlessly. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been in the beginning, and as he looked down at their joined hands, Kazuki found himself not even caring. They stepped out into the drizzle and jogged all the way back to Yuu’s car, his hair flying every which way into his face, puddles soaking his socks, water ruining his make-up-  
  
But Kazuki felt invincible; elevated, like on a cloud _far_ beyond the ninth. The Jaguar welcomed them with comforting warmth. After closing his seatbelt, Kazuki couldn’t help but turn slightly sideways, snuggle into the leather seat and suck in its scent that mixed so nicely with Yuu’s. He just had to close his eyes and bask in it for a second. He listened to the sounds of Yuu buckling up, inserting the key, shifting gears, but when the engine didn’t start up, Kazuki frowned and blinked his eyes open again.

With one hand atop the steering wheel, Yuu was looking at him, a small crease between his brows. Again, Kazuki was unable to tell what he was thinking. Brushing a stray wisp of wet hair out of his eyes, he sat up a bit more and smiled shyly.

“What?”

Yuu’s gaze brushed over his skin, just as it had done earlier, like it was on a wordless journey to find the words that tickled his tongue, and every second that his eyes remained on his face, Kazuki’s heart began to beat up higher into his throat. He swallowed, unsure of what to say. And the pulse vibrating in his chest got worse when Yuu’s attention shifted downwards and got caught on his lips for an amount of seconds that was too long to be accidental. Kazuki shifted nervously and he could’ve sworn he felt his skin prickle when their eyes met again. Yuu wasn’t thinking of- or was he?

“Yuu?”

His voice sounded meek and half like it wasn’t his own but anything was better than having to endure the tension between them. Kazuki’s heart picked up its pace further when those eyes returned to his lips.

_Please. Please do it._

He was mere inches away. Just a few, just a tiny distance compared to the five years that had separated them.

Kazuki wanted to speak, to beg, but his vocal chords were once again leaving him hanging. He could only sit and wait. He waited with bated breath and he died just a little, more and more the closer Yuu leaned in. He had felt those lips before. He just had to move forward now, could almost taste them, right _here-_  

Then Yuu shook his head and turned away. Inside his ribcage, Kazuki’s heart felt like it was plunging ten floors down.

“Nothing,” Yuu said and shifted in his seat, setting hand on the ignition and starting the engine. The Jaguar came to life with a soft purr. Kazuki exhaled and sat back. _Nothing._

“Do you still live…?”

“Yup.”

“Okay.”

“You moved?”

Kazuki watched, from the corners of his eyes, how Yuu’s chest rose with an intake of breath. He counted. Three seconds to check the traffic, four to steer the car onto the street and another two for the air to leave his lungs again. Kazuki didn’t miss the way Yuu’s fingers tightened and then relaxed around the gear shift, though.

“Yeah.”

The tension was back with breathtaking force. Nodding wordlessly, Kazuki swallowed past the lump in his throat and averted his glance out the window. His heart was still thumping wildly, like it had hit the ground only now and all the blood was spurting out, trailing down its teared surface like the raindrops that rolled down the glass.

It would have been wrong. Kazuki hated that he knew. It wasn’t fair. He had waited so long, why did they have to act reasonably now? He didn’t _want_ to act reasonably.

But Yuu did. Yuu was being the stupid gentleman Kazuki had fallen in love with, Yuu wasn’t saying another word, wasn’t even giving him another glance until the car stopped in front of Kazuki’s apartment complex. Part of him wanted to rejoice in the fact that Yuu still knew the way here by heart but the fear of the conversation they _had to have_ was pushing everything else aside.

When the engine shut off, the silence got louder. The rain had grown stronger, blurring whatever Kazuki tried to see through the window and eliminating every distraction. Was he supposed to start? Was this the point where he poured his heart out all over again?

“You’re still wearing it.”

Kazuki sucked in a lungful of air. He looked down to his lap where his fingers had unconsciously been playing with the ring on his finger. So he had noticed after all. Kazuki smiled a small smile.

“Yeah,” he said as his eyes slid across the purple stone, “you gifted it to me…”

“Nine years ago. For your birthday, and the announcement of Screw’s major debut. It was on the same day.”

Kazuki’s head snapped up. The moment he laid eyes on the gentle smile on Yuu’s lips, his heart convulsed horribly.  
  
_He remembers._

For a moment or two, Kazuki just stared into Yuu’s eyes. Why did it hurt that he remembered? Was it because of the conclusion his heart immediately jumped to? He meant enough to Yuu for him to not forget? Did he mean _enough?_ It wasn’t like he could ask, like he could muster the courage or even got the chance to open his mouth. Yuu was on a mission it seemed, with how determined his expression suddenly became.

“Kazuki, I… When the band broke up, I didn’t know what to do. I had nowhere to be anymore, and neither did Kouyou. And, you didn’t know this but, him and I, we lived together for the last six months.”

Kazuki’s forehead warped into a frown at those words. They had moved in together? He bit his lip. Why was Yuu telling him this? Kazuki shifted in his seat, clearing his throat.

“That sounds like you were getting serious.”

Yuu scoffed. “Not really,” he said, “I don’t even know why we did it in the first place. For convenience, I guess. In any case, we, uh… we suddenly had to deal with each other, you know? On a level that was beyond sex. And we couldn’t do it. We were around each other every single day and it drove him crazy. Me not so much but Kouyou… It wasn’t like we had real fights or anything, he just wasn’t used to having someone around twenty-four-seven, you know him, he’s a loner. And it was almost like… like he didn’t know me anymore, like he didn’t know what to do with me, off-stage. So my presence… began to irritate him. Whatever I did. So I decided to leave because I thought maybe… maybe if I just brought some distance between us it would at least save our friendship, but…”

Yuu’s voice broke off. Kazuki peeked over at him. The light of the blue neon tubes above the building’s entrance outside illuminated Yuu’s face through the windshield, flickering and dipping it into shadows every other second. In any other moment Kazuki would have well swooned over his chiselled features, but now...

“But?” he asked in a cautious whisper and Yuu inhaled. He crossed his arms in front of his chest like a shield.

“But he told me I didn’t have to come back.”

Kazuki’s mouth fell open. Even a blind man could see the pain written all over Yuu’s face and as much as he didn’t want to admit it, Kazuki understood. After all, Yuu had spent over half of his life with Uruha around and he’d probably tried not to grow attached, but it was difficult when eight years of it were based on such intimacy, right? Although, it didn’t sound like Uruha had cared for those eight years all that much, or everything before that for that matter. It made Kazuki livid inside. Did Uruha not _know_ Yuu at all? Did he not know how gentle and soft-hearted he was? He had just exploited him, hadn’t he?

“I’m sorry,” Kazuki said, though he was unable to stop his smile from faltering, “you did love him, didn’t you?”

Yuu glanced over at him briefly, likely trying to gauge if Kazuki _really_ wanted to know. If he could take the truth. But Kazuki didn't look away and he didn't waiver. They had to be honest with each other, once and for all. No matter how much it hurt.

“A little, maybe.”

No matter how much it hurt, Kazuki had to bite his way through it. He needed to hear all of this if he wanted to be with Yuu. And by this point he couldn't think of anything he wanted more.

Yuu sighed.

“But most of it wasn't real, Kazuki. Infatuation at best. We wouldn’t have been able to go on much longer anyway.”

_So maybe it’s for the best this way._

The words hung in the air. Heard. Unspoken. Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Kazuki waited. Here he was, wanting to have this conversation for both their sake all while not knowing what to say. There were things he wanted to get off his chest, too but the words… Where were they? Kazuki continued to search silently, listening to how Yuu found his own and how they crumbled off his lips one after the other.

“But I’m not trying to paint myself as the victim because… I’m really not. I’m the one who fucked up and I know now. How I chose to deal with things… I don’t even know where to begin.”

Kazuki released his lip from beneath his teeth and sat up, opening his seat belt. His chest already felt tight enough without the thing. Yuu meant what he was saying. He was worrying his bottom lip as well, both arms propped upon the steering wheel and his gaze directed outside. It was still pouring, and Kazuki had to help somehow. It wasn’t going to do any good if they kept on saying nothing to each other.

“Why did you agree?” he asked, “when I asked you to try. Why didn’t you just send me away? Was it really out of pity?”

“No.”

The drumming Yuu’s fingers did on his arm stopped as quickly as he’d answered, and he gulped.

“No, it wasn’t out of pity. I was… I think I was scared.”

Kazuki had to frown at hearing that. Yuu and scared? That didn’t fit the image in his mind at all.

“Scared?” he repeated, “scared of what? You had nothing to lose.”

“Of course I did.”

“Like what?”

When Yuu turned his head, his expression had changed again. His beautiful brown eyes with their blue specks of light in them were thoughtful; thoughtful and pained, like he couldn’t believe Kazuki even had to ask.

_“You.”_

And while he’d thought of asking, Kazuki had never in a million years expected this. He was staring once again, and it took mere seconds for his eyes to well up with tears but he willed them not to flow just yet. Yuu’s gaze was so sincere, it was like a stab to his already battered heart. Kazuki couldn’t take it. A tremor had settled in his bottom lip when he averted his face and instead looked down at his hands in his lap. They were shaking, and so was his voice.

“Please don’t say things like that,” he begged softly. Nails dug into his palm, deeply, until they were the only thing stopping him from throwing himself into Yuu’s arms.

“It’s true.”  
  
“Yuu- ”

“ _I mean it._ I mean it, Kazuki. But,” Yuu took a deep breath and Kazuki could _even more_ not look at him, “But it made me realize where I’d gone wrong. That I’d started taking you for granted. I’d gotten so used to you always being around because you _were_ , with or without Screw, you were… always where I was. Our shows, backstage, parties, meetings. You were _always_ there and then… Then you confessed and I knew that if I rejected you, you would turn your back on me. And I just didn’t want to imagine that. So I thought, _this is fine. I can do this._ _I’ll just give you whatever you want and you’ll stay, right?”_ he scoffed, “obviously it wasn’t that easy. I was scared and, above all, selfish. That’s why I can’t and won’t allow things to happen this way again.”

The darkness of his closed eyes had made it a bit easier to listen to the words but it didn’t take the weight off them. At the very back of his mind, Kazuki had already realized what Yuu was saying. Because there really was only one possible meaning, wasn’t there? They didn’t have a future. The thought alone was torturous enough to cause his tears to fall, dripping down onto his convulsed hands as he clenched his eyes shut. He couldn’t speak. The excruciating pain in his chest was the most physical one he had ever felt and it was constricting his ribcage, up his throat and every inch of his vocal chords.

“I can’t tell you- _Kazuki…”_

His name was a heavy sigh off Yuu’s lips. For the first time, Kazuki wished he hadn’t come. He would relinquish it all, hearing Yuu’s voice again, looking into his eyes again, feeling his touch again just the way he did right now; all of it, if it meant the pain would go away.

Yuu’s fingertips connected with his cheek and he tried to turn Kazuki’s face towards him but Kazuki refused. Maybe if he kept on hiding in the dark behind his eyelids, he could escape? Yuu’s voice though, it was far too real.

“Kazuki… look at me,” he asked of him in the gentlest of tones, “please.”

Kazuki sniffed. He was incapable of answering for a solid minute but Yuu didn’t rush him. In fact, Yuu didn’t do anything other than wait it out, his touch remaining on Kazuki’s cheek like a soothing reassurance. Until he had finally calmed down enough to at least open his eyes and take a deep breath, Kazuki felt like half an eternity had passed. Yuu shifted slightly beside him, his fingers disappearing from his cheek for a short moment. Kazuki tried his best to push away the urge of grasping them and instead focused on calming his heartbeat back down to somewhat regular, and healthier, levels.

“Hey,” Yuu spoke up again after a while, “Please?”

The pain only faded away ever so slowly but Kazuki couldn’t deny him. After rubbing the back of his hand over his runny nose, he filled his lungs with air once more and then lifted his head to meet Yuu’s gaze. Yuu’s smile had lost nothing of its kindness, but Kazuki was surprised when a soft laugh trilled past it, breaking the oppressing silence in the car with its lightness.

“Wow,” Yuu chuckled with a shake of his head, “first of all, you need to stop being so beautiful even when you cry.”

Before he even knew what was happening to him, Kazuki found his face cupped in two palms and Yuu’s face right in front of his, so close he could feel Yuu’s breath on his lips and it rendered him speechless. Whatever he had attempted to do to  slow his racing heart, it was in vain now. Yuu seemed unfazed. There was a concentrated look in his eyes as he tugged his sleeve over his thumb and wiped at Kazuki’s ruined make-up.

“Secondly,” he was whispering, “you need to let people finish what they want to say.”

Pulling back, he smiled. “But you’ve never been good at that.”

Kazuki blinked but no more tears fell. He blinked several times and only released the air he’d been holding in once Yuu had brought a little more distance between their bodies (which was an ironic thing to think). He licked his lips too; they felt horribly dry but succeeded in curling into a small smile.  
  
“Sorry,” he mumbled and averted his eyes abashedly as soon as he felt his cheeks heating up. _Yuu had called him beautiful._ And if there was more that he wanted to say, that meant Kazuki’s initial assumption wasn’t true, right? There was more to this? To them? Kazuki watched silently how Yuu’s lips parted for an intake of breath; waited for him to say the words he was dying to hear.This was more than his jumbled heart could take. And Yuu probably knew that but he continued either way.

“What I’m saying is, I’m not going to tell you the exact same story again. That we’re all good and that I’m going to try, because it’s not going to work. It’s going to feel like I’m fobbing you off with just another excuse and I can’t have that. I want to do it right this time around. But for that I need to take care of myself first. I … want to be my best self for you, you know? I… ”

Yuu hesitated at this point, seeming like he was unsure of how to phrase his thoughts. Kazuki still found it difficult to speak but he had a feeling he knew what Yuu wanted to say.

“You need time,” he finished the sentence, “I understand that, Yuu. I really do. It’s barely been a month since you broke up. Anyone would need time.”

The breath Yuu let out was one of relief, Kazuki could tell. What had Yuu expected? That Kazuki was going to blow it all off at the prospect of having to wait a little longer than he already had? No way. If Yuu was willing to give him a second chance, Kazuki would wait however long it took.

Yuu sniffed, “So you don’t mind waiting?”

A chuckle left Kazuki before he could even think of stopping it. He sat up straight and he was proud that his smile felt genuine this time as he turned towards Yuu, knowing his gaze was fond, and sincere.

“No,” he shook his head.

Yuu smiled at that. Leaning his head back against the seat, he closed his eyes and nodded to himself. Kazuki watched and it was only now that he realized that the rain had stopped. The neon blue light from outside was still flickering over Yuu’s face, sparkling through the remnants of water on the surface of the windshield. He hadn’t let himself earlier, but now Kazuki allowed himself to swoon over Yuu’s profile, just a little, on the inside. His jaw was still so sharp and stood in such stunning contrast to the elegant curvature of his lips. And his lashes threw tiny shadows onto his cheekbones once he was opening his eyes again. All of it framed by pitch-black hair, and Kazuki remembered the exact way he had felt the first time he’d laid eyes on Yuu; utterly robbed of breath.

“We could treat it like a fresh start. What do you think?”

Kazuki blinked, clearing his throat. Ah, he couldn’t get too lost in his reverie quite yet, could he… For now, he wanted to harbour this feeling of lightness settling in his chest for a little longer.

“I, uh, yeah,” he smiled, “Maybe you should get away for awhile, too. Vacation. Just for yourself. Maybe we should…” Kazuki bit down on his lip briefly, “maybe we should act like none of this ever happened. I mean, start with a clean slate, once you’re back.”

“Pretend like we don’t each other, you mean?”

“Mhm. Like we’re getting to know each other all over again.”

Yuu hummed, a hum that sounded like agreement, and Kazuki’s heart gave a little jump. This felt too good to be real. Yet all the emotions he’d gone through this evening alone were too intense to just be a dream, right? Surely he would have long woken up.

“Okay.”

At first Kazuki couldn’t believe it when he heard Yuu say it. Large boulders tumbled off his heart like an avalanche and a wave of relief flooded over him but it took several breaths for his brain to process it. And despite his eyes beginning to burn again, his lips split into a laugh.

“Okay,” he nodded.

Yuu’s smile grew. Somehow he looked refreshed now, as if he was just as glad as Kazuki that they had finally had this conversation. Kazuki wanted to think he was. And he knew it was early, too early, but the spark of hope lighting up his chest was impossible to suppress. It was feeding off the mere fact that Yuu had at least agreed on giving him another chance. And it was only when Yuu told him it was getting late and that he should probably head home that Kazuki fully realized this. _This was his chance._ Finally.

He couldn’t quite stop the blushing, though. Yuu came around the car, and he looked way too handsome walking around his sleek car like that and even opening his door. Kazuki climbed out, eagerly sucking in the fresh air. He’d needed this after the tension inside the Jaguar had become way too stifling. It turned out, however, that saying goodbye wasn’t any less awkward than the moment they had met.

Pulling the jacket tighter over his shoulders, Kazuki took the few steps towards the front of the car, Yuu following right behind him. He half sat, half leaned against the hood and Kazuki… Kazuki just stood there, shifting his weight from one foot to the other in complete silence while chewing on his lip. He didn’t _want_ to go yet. Couldn’t they just… Couldn’t Yuu just…

He spoke before Kazuki could even think of words to say.

“Thank you,” Yuu said, folding his hands atop his lap, “for coming to see me today. I … never had the guts to seek you out myself so … I’m glad you did.”

Kazuki licked his lips, then swallowed. He knew instinctively it wasn’t a good idea to tell Yuu just how hard he’d fought with himself, and how close he’d been to not coming at all. Yuu didn’t need to know.

“I’m glad I did, too,” he answered eventually and brushed a lost strand of hair out of his face, “And you know, if I only get to spend time with you again, that … that will be enough.”

Yuu chuckled softly, “You will. Do you still have my number?”

Again, Kazuki couldn’t hold back a giggle and Yuu narrowed his eyes at him in amusement. Absurd to think he would ever delete Yuu’s contact. Kazuki couldn’t even remember the amount of times he’d stared at his phone and not dialed after all.

“Yup,” he nodded with a grin that Yuu mimicked.

“Good. I’ll give you a call,” he said. Clearly by this point, he had long noticed that Kazuki had lost nothing of his ability to blush at the tiniest things.

Kazuki bit at his lip again, holding his breath, but all too soon he had to let it go. He really didn’t have to make this more awkward than it already was.

“Okay,” he breathed out, tapping his foot against the ground and clearing his throat, “I … I’ll get going then. Um, thank you. For taking me home and, you know.”

Yuu simply nodded it off with a crooked smile and, after one last glance, Kazuki managed to turn his back on him. His lungs filled with air as he made his way towards his apartment building, but his thoughts were still running wild inside his head. Yuu’s gaze was burning holes into his back and Kazuki swore he felt himself getting hot then cold then hot again all at the same time. His mouth was threatening to run away from him, far away from the rational part of his brain. Fighting it was worth an attempt at least, and Kazuki pressed his lips together _hard_ to keep himself from it, but by the time he’d reached the bottom of the steel staircase, he was already talking again.

“Yuu- ” he pressed out hurriedly, turning around again only to see that Yuu hadn’t moved an inch, “do you…,” he gulped, _oh no this was a bad idea_ , “do you want to…” _very bad,_ “come in?”

 _God damn it,_ Kazuki cursed inwardly, _This is the dumbest idea you’ve had all week. How naive can you possibly be? He made it clear enough that there’s not a single thing happening tonight!_

Initially, there was nothing. Yuu was giving him a look as if he was testing him or trying to figure out if he was serious but after only a brief moment, his lips parted for a laugh. A gentle laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. Kazuki blushed deeply at his own stupidity. He just _couldn’t_ keep himself together, could he? Everything had gone so well, so much better than he would’ve ever allowed himself to dream. Yet here he was just _having_ to make it look like all he aimed for was getting Yuu into bed? _Fantastic, Kazuki._  
  
Then Yuu pushed himself off the car and walked towards him. Kazuki already had words of apology ready on his tongue when Yuu stopped before him but he couldn’t get them out. Every _I’m sorry I know that was childish_ withered upon the smile Yuu was giving him next, upon the hand that reached down for his, and Kazuki’s breath hitched in his throat as he watched their fingers thread together. He gazed up at Yuu. Understanding and affection reflected in the depth of his dark brown eyes. Kazuki knew right away he wasn’t going to make the wrong decision. Yuu’s chest rose with an inhale.

“I ... I shouldn’t,” he said.

Of course he was right. He shouldn't. _They_ shouldn't. Kazuki nodded timidly. He’d caught all the tiny nuances in those two words, the meaning between the lines, but he simply had to admit that the little flame of hope inside him had gotten the best of him. It was neither fair nor anywhere near reasonable to pursue it or press for more. And if he was being honest with himself, Kazuki was happy with just this, too. Especially now that Yuu leaned in and planted a feather-light kiss against his forehead.

“Goodnight, Kazuki,” he whispered and their fingers unlaced. Kazuki smiled. Yes, this was enough.

“Goodnight, Yuu.”

Unlike before, when he left this time, Kazuki made it all the way up to the top of the stairs. The rusty door rattled loudly in protest at being jarred open. Damn, he really needed to move out of here. This place was _old._ Kazuki reached inside to flick the light switch in the corridor, but then he just had to risk another glance back over his shoulder. Yuu was by his car again, looking up at him from where he stood in the open driver's door.  
  
Was he waiting for him to make it inside? Kazuki blushed at the thought (he really was doing that _a lot_ this evening). Ultimately, after a last quick wave of his hand, the door fell close behind him. And the only indicator that the entirety of tonight had happened for real was the sound of an engine, roaring before it grew distant, like a mirror to his own fluttering heart.

* * *

 Slowly but surely, Kazuki's legs carried him up one more floor, into his apartment and straight into bed. All the crying had exhausted him; so much so that he couldn't even be bothered with taking off what was left of his make-up. After peeling his body out of his clothes, still damp from the rain they’d run through, Kazuki flopped down onto his futon and closed his eyes tightly. He saw everything passing behind his eyelids, from stepping up in front of the bar to the very moment Yuu had kissed his forehead. It was like one of those overly dramatic reruns of some popular TV show but damn him if he didn’t love it. Kazuki allowed it to play just another hundred times or so before he opened his eyes again.

The digital clock on his bedside table showed a quarter to midnight and there, hanging over the back of his desk chair, was Yuu’s leather jacket. Kazuki slipped under the covers, pulled them up under his nose and smiled. _How convenient._

No, this wasn’t a dream. This was only the beginning.


End file.
